I’m in a prison of my own making.

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I’m literally holding myself captive.

My thoughts circle round and round, looking for a way out. I’m the hamster in the plastic ball – crashing into everything, unable to move obstacles and watching a world I can’t touch.

My mind has been obsessed with trying to decipher unspoken words and make sense of what has actually been said. Knowing something isn’t quite right but not being able to pinpoint exactly what is giving off an unsettling feeling. It’s like a magician with a sleight of hand – you want to believe what you’re seeing but you know there is more at play. Everything seems fine. Then you get to your car and realize your wallet is missing.

The mind has magic of its own.  

It can wrap itself around everything it knows as truth and some things you suspect… is it fact? Or is it what you’ve been telling yourself? Mixed messages are a major issue when dealing with people who lack communication.  And general body language.

Vagueness could be the death of me. 

It’s so frustrating. Because it doesn’t actually provide you with the information needed and it refuses to offer up solutions. It forces you to guess. And being forced to guess puts us in the ballpark of assuming. It’s not fair really. When two families are dealing with a close living situation, it’s helpful to be proactive, communicative and on the same page (or at least in the same book) so the little ones in our lives don’t suffer. 

As I write this, I realize that all my surrounding issues are not my problem.

Others can choose to avoid communication or dodge being proactive. I can’t control that. What I can control is how much I allow that to affect me – and my kids. I need to focus on us. Me. My family. I need to simplify, not so much my life, but my thoughts. I’m beginning to see that “simplifying” also means “stream lining.” And I’m lacking focus.

The hard part: How?

I haves many interests, balls in the air and responsibilities. How does a busy person narrow all that down? How do I get to the root of what needs to happen so we can get to where we need to be?

I’m sure these answers could be simpler if I had the mental real estate available. Course, if I had the mental space available, I wouldn’t need to ask these questions. I’m just so full of “what ifs” and the built-in need to protect my children. And this isn’t over stuff – it’s over the fact that kids can’t process when an adult is being biased.

This whole time we’ve been unfair. 

Unfair in the sense that in our effort to show our adult counterparts that we aren’t playing favorites and that we are “fair” to all the kids involved – we have actually done quite the opposite. We have been much firmer on our children and more lenient on theirs. Sure, there is some allowance for age but some behavior, even for that age, is out of line.

I’m not sure how much longer I can hold out.

It makes me wonder what would happen if we started being totally fair for real. I hate to be pessimistic but I have a feeling things would deteriorate at an accelerated rate.

Right now, it feels like our kids are expected to behave as adults while others are allowed to act however they feel at any particular moment. The expectations are lopsided and unreasonable. And virtually impossible to obtain.

So where do we go from there?

All the questions I have and all my fears can’t be answered. My husband already knows what’s right for us (in his mind) and he’s leaving the decision to leave up to me. I appreciate the faith he has in what I decide and he values my opinion but these are not considerations I can discuss with him because every sentence ends with, “we should move.”

He is set in his mind and I don’t know if it’s due to his “all or nothing” attitude or if it’s a well contemplated decision. And for that matter does he need a well contemplated anything to know what’s right for him and his family? He operates at a different level than I do.

I have to evaluate all options and strategically plan our decisions.

I need to go through a thought process to make sure our decision is right. It always seems like he is waiting for me to come around to how he feels about something and when I finally do he has a tone that implies, “what took you so long?”

So what do I do? Go through all the motions until it’s “right” in my head or do I follow his lead? And thus, the cause of my mental prison. Questions and conversations keep playing over and over. It feels like a no-win situation and it’s over minor and stupid things that could be rectified.

Which brings about the question: Am I making a big deal over nothing?

My gut tells me “no” because my kids are involved and getting the brunt of it. So no.

Photo credit: freedigitalphotos.net

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