I’ve had a few crappy weeks lately. Been feeling really isolated and frankly, like the Omega of those around me. I have people in my life that are too close and it’s not something I can change right now. So the mind games and guessing is unavoidable. (Although, it seems that we have rounded a bend – of course, until the next time the rug is yanked out unexpectedly.)
My husband and I have a strong relationship. I mean strong in every sense of the word. We love hard, we play hard, and about every 18 months or so we fight hard. Less than a week ago, that occasion reared it’s ugly head. It was brutal*. Feeling helpless in our current situation, it brought out a sort of cry, a plea for help. I may have temporarily gone mad.
See, I am extremely independent.
If I had to survive on my own (with or without kids), I believe that I could totally hack it. Sure, I’d miss the loving cuddles in the middle of the night before we were *ahem* interrupted by an offspring with hair that’s as crazy as mine (and seriously needs a brush). I would definitely miss having someone to bounce ideas off of and that would talk me down from some of the wild ideas I have. You know, someone to keep me grounded.
The thing about being independent is people perceive you in a way that says “I can do it all. All the time. By myself. I never need any help with anything.”
But that’s not the case. Some days are hard. Sometimes I need the help. Managing a household and all that entails, juggling multiple businesses on some level, trying to keep my body active, and my husband happy can sometimes lead to burnout. There are days where I feel like I can’t do it all. And I’m not even talking about the amount of socks that need to be folded.
I need the help.
This is what part of our argument was about. It’s not that my husband doesn’t help me but he clearly – even though he has trouble seeing it – caters to other people’s needs, seemingly over my own. That sounds worse than it is but it’s a very real feeling for me right now. I’m maxed out and you’re going off to help someone build a deck?
In truth, my husband is a giving person. He doesn’t see an issue with helping someone make home improvements all day, then go fix his car by himself well into the night. He is completely OK with that. I’m sure by my tone you can tell I am not. He is maxed out just as much as I am but in different ways. He carries much of the financial burden and then he’s right there with the kids when I have a client or there’s other work to be done.
I get it.
I think what it boils down to is:
- We are letting those around us dictate how we are spending our time (and in some cases our moods).
- Our schedules are go-go-go and there needs to be downtime.
- I feel like I’m at the mercy of everyone else’s schedule – before planning my own work/stuff.
- I miss my husband.
Luckily, the communication between him and I is consistent. We may not understand what the other is saying in the midst of an argument but we both care enough about this relationship to not settle for half-understandings. And will willingly duke it out until it’s all understood.
That being said, it’s important to realize that while I might be able to handle the bulk most of the time… sometimes it’s okay to cry out and ask for help. My husband is not one to buy flowers to say he’s sorry or anything like that… so I was surprised to hear this weekend we’ll be going away for a night – and I have no idea where. He’s handling all the arrangements and I just have to show up. It’s kinda nice.
Honesty always wins when you have a partner that understands, accepts, and is willing to fight for (and with) you.
*We joke now about how it was probably the biggest one to date.
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